All You Had to Do Was Stay
by 123me
Summary: Six months ago that would have been exactly what she wanted to hear. Six months ago she hadn't started picking up the pieces. Rated T for language.
1. All You Had to Do Was Stay

**_People like you always want back_ **

**_The love they gave away_**

She was running late. Not because she had planned to, but it wasn't something she could honestly say she wasn't glad for. It had been six months since she had last spoken to her husband, and if arriving late to her first meeting with him since then was a 'blow' life wanted to throw her, she'd take it. He'd tried calling her a couple of times. Had showed up at the door once. She'd intentionally missed the calls, failed to open the door. She didn't want to hear his reasoning. She didn't want to be told that despite how hard she had tried, she hadn't been enough. That despite how much she loved him, he couldn't genuinely love her back. He owed her more of an explanation than the written one he had left behind, sure, but that didn't mean she was interested in hearing it any more. It wasn't her job to make him feel better. Not any more.

She'd seen him a couple of times. First just a week after he'd left, when Carol Ann, who had rushed to her side as soon as she'd heard, managed to steer her away before he himself saw them. Then again when she'd been out with a mutual friend of theirs – he'd wanted something from Michael and the man had given him their location without thinking. He hadn't acknowledged her. She'd seen him in a book shop with the editor she now refused to acknowledge by name as she had been rushing past on the way to an audition. She'd caught him watching her from across the street when she had been having lunch with one of her new colleagues – he'd quickly slipped away as soon as she saw him. Sometimes it seemed that she saw him more now than she had when they were together.

She'd learnt a lot in the past six months. About herself. About him. About their marriage. And although she'd be lying if she claimed to have been surprised by the knowledge of his indiscretions, it had hurt to have them confirmed to her. It had hurt that he hadn't chosen to be honest and end the marriage sooner instead of stringing her along.

She'd changed. Her friends had all told her. She was just that little bit stronger now. A little more confident. Without having him to lean on, she had adapted to relying on herself. Being her own strength instead of taking whatever scraps he would give her. And looking back, she understood. She understood why he had left, why he had grown tired of her insecurities and her constant need for reassurance. Looking back, she hated those things about herself too. She hated the person she was when she was with him.

She'd thrown herself into her work, despite the feeling of hopelessness that had generally accompanied her efforts, and had had a lucky break. Off broadway, but a real job that didn't require her travelling across the country. It was rehearsals that had led her to this lack of punctuality, distracting her just enough throughout the morning that she had almost forgotten about the impending meeting between the two of them and their representation, a call from her lawyer questioning her failure to show up early as planned leading to her abrupt exit after checking the time she needed to return later that day.

She swung open the door to the building haphazardly, giving her name to the receptionist before being taken towards her destination, expecting to see only her lawyer still waiting outside the room. She frowned to see him deep in conversation with whom she assumed was opposing counsel, Jamie no where in sight – not that she planned on complaining about that.

"Hi." She was hesitant, but announced herself in the hopes that things would be a little less awkward.

"Cathy." He smiled warmly when he saw her, and it took her a moment to remember that she had asked him to use her first name when she had first met him. The other man ducked into the room to her right.

"What's going on?"

"I'm handling it." The lawyer assured her. "Nothing to worry about. Just an attempt to overlook procedure. Your husband's lawyer has just gone to inform him of our refusal to do that."

She frowned, but let it go, wanting to get this over with. "How long do these things usually take? I need to get back to work."

"Today's meeting is really just to give us an idea of what needs to be considered and to see if any mutual agreements can be made early on. It usually takes around an hour or so."

She nodded, and was about to respond when the door opened again, and she caught a brief glimpse of Jamie as his lawyer once again stepped out.

"My client has advised me that he's not willing to proceed without speaking privately with his wife."

Cathy's eyes widened, and she subconsciously took a step back. That's exactly what she didn't want. It's exactly what she had been avoiding when she hadn't taken his calls or opened the door. She didn't need his excuses, she needed him to let her move on. But he was stubborn, and that was the reason she found herself saying "Fine." just after her lawyer insisted that it wasn't an option.

"I really advise against this." He was concerned by her agreement, but she wasn't sure whether or not that was due to genuine care for her, or a genuine concern for not being paid. As far as she was concerned, the latter didn't need to be a worry for him, she wasn't going to agree to any form of divorce that didn't require his services.

"If this is what it takes to move things along faster, I'll do it." She assured him, trying to hide the anxiety that was building inside her as the other attorney smugly smiled over his little victory and opened the door for her. She stepped in and almost jumped when it was immediately closed behind her and she was confronted by her husband's back as he focused on whatever was going on outside the window. She wouldn't talk first. He was the one that insisted on this.

"What did she say?" The familiar voice almost startled her again, but she stood her ground, not wanting him to see that he could have any effect on her. "Will she see me?"

She didn't respond, and after another moment passed he turned to see why his answer had not come, and a small smile graced his lips. She stared back, trying to pass as emotionless.

He took a step forward, and she was suddenly grateful for the table that was between them. The barrier was helpful.

"What do you want?"

"You didn't answer my calls."

"No." She glanced to the side of his head, focusing on the sky outside. "You didn't answer my question."

He let out a sigh, and she averted her gaze just a fraction more.

"I'm coming home."

"What?"

"Tonight."

"You expect me to move out by tonight?!" She risked looking at him for a moment, but turned away at the determination in his gaze. "I definitely think the lawyers should be in here for this."

"You're not moving out." He demanded. "I fucked up, I know that, but now I'm going to come home. That's why I called you, and why I stopped by. I decided that we're going to fix this."

"You decided?" She watched as he began to move around the table, and immediately began to move in an attempt to maintain the distance. She understood now, and six months ago that would have been exactly what she wanted to hear. Six months ago she hadn't started picking up the pieces. Six months ago she hadn't re-evaluated their entire relationship and realised just how bad he had been both for and to her. "That's not your decision to make."

"Yes it is." He insisted. "I left, it's my responsibility to put us back together this time."

"What, so I didn't get a say in the ending of our marriage and now I don't get a say in your decision to 'fix' it?" She wondered when he had first started to overlook the fact that she may want to make her own decisions. Her own life choices.

"It's not like that." He argued. "I left, I miss you, I'm coming home."

She watched him carefully, still working to keep the distance between them as he tried to work his way closer to her, taking in his expression. Then it dawned on her. "She kicked you out, didn't she?"

"Who?"

"Whoever it was who's bed you went to when you left mine." She shook her head, crossing her arms defensively over her body. "This isn't about me, you don't have anywhere else to go."

"It's about you!" He asserted. "I can't write without you. Nothing makes sense."

"Oh." She scoffed. "So it's about your career. It's not convenient for you for us to be apart permanently. But it is convenient for you to ignore me at your events and sleep with every woman you come across while we're together."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You know if you kill someone, and then say you didn't mean to kill them, they're still dead, and it's still your fault."

"This isn't you." He frowned. "It's been six months and you're... you're angry."

"Maybe this is me." She reasoned, partially for herself. "Maybe this is me when I've been hurt one too many times and I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. I do matter, Jamie, I do matter, and I never felt like I did with you. I don't think I can go back to that."

"I'm not the same person I was back then." He claimed. "We can make this work."

"No." She decided. "We can't."

 ** _People like me want to believe you_ **

**_When you say you've changed_**

He'd worn her down. First by refusing to reschedule the appointment she had walked out of, then by getting their remaining mutual friends to encourage her to give him a chance, and by showing up after rehearsals (not that she even knew how he'd found out where she was working, but she was willing to bet it was through one of said mutual friends). She wanted to believe him, she really did. Loving him was like breathing to her, so easy, so natural that she wondered how she could ever survive without it, so the idea of having him definitely had it's appeal.

That was how she found herself at his latest book launch. Carol Ann had referred to it as the perfect test (after, of course, many phone calls discussing whether or not she should even go). They'd often discussed these events over the past few years, and her friend had always been put off by the way Cathy had always finished them, alone at the other end of the room. Ignored. Feeling like she didn't belong.

He hadn't picked her up, she'd decided not to tell him she had decided to attend, curious as to how the uncertainty would influence his actions, but as soon as she had given her name at the door she was escorted to him (something she later learned he had requested be done immediately upon her arrival), and he'd smiled a smile she couldn't recall seeing in well over a year. It was almost as if he was genuinely happy to see her.

She was by his side, his arm tight around her waist as they moved around the room. He spoke to almost everyone there. Everyone except her. She wondered if it was because he didn't know what to say to her (this wasn't the ideal place for her to finally give him an inch), or if he was concerned that the subject matter would bore her. It didn't matter. He could have tried to involve her in the conversation, but instead all she had got was occasional questions or statements or a forehead kiss when they were between guests.

Sure she wasn't alone this time, but alone and lonely were different things, and his editor's glares from across the room were making her more uncomfortable than she usually was at these things. Even the familiar faces that she had spent previous events getting to know didn't put her at ease. Jamie had been wary of her leaving his side for even a moment, and she had had to offer them nothing but apologies when his hold on her waist had tightened at the prospect of her going to have a drink with them. It had been the only difference.

She glanced back over to the other side of the room, catching yet another glare. She supposed that was something. He hadn't said a word to Elise all evening, and it had taken her a while to figure out that he seemed to be purposely avoiding the other woman, expertly moving them around the room so that they were always at the opposite side to her.

He was laughing at something the man occupying his attention had said. A fake laugh, but a laugh all the same. More communication than she was getting. She felt herself tiring, and wanted nothing more than to be at home, watching a movie or reading a book. Doing anything than what she was doing in the location she was, really.

He turned as she tried to pull away from him, hoping to make an escape and disappear into the night, just as he had done. He had noticed, and his hold tightened again, his fingers beginning to dance on her hip. When they had first got together the action had soothed her. Now it just felt like his way of blowing her off without actually going anywhere. She tugged again,and this time he released her, but quickly joined their hands before she could stray too far from his side, quickly ending the conversation he had been so involved in moments before.

"I want to show you something." He was smiling, and it seemed genuine, but she had a hard time believing anything that came from him these days.

Following him through the crowd, he stopped in front of the many copies of his new book, picking one up from the back and dropping her hand to open it.

He'd dedicated it to her.

She didn't know whether to smile or cry.

 ** _The more I think about it now_ **

**_The less I know_**

"I just don't know."

Carol Ann was once again providing some much needed moral support as Cathy tried to make sense of what was going on in her head. Did she give in? Did she give her marriage another chance? Was that even what he wanted? If it was, how long until he changed his mind again? Could she handle that?

She knew he believed that they had already begun to work things out. She knew that he thought her presence at the launch had been her agreement to allow him back in. It hadn't been. She'd needed to know if he really had changed, but going had left her more confused than ever.

"It was different but, I don't know if it was in a good way."

"How did you feel when you were there?"

"Sad, but also happy. It felt right to be there but... it still seemed like I may as well not have been when it came to him."

"Did it feel right?" Her friend mused. "Or normal?"

"Normal." She admitted. "Just, normal."

"Then it was exactly how all of the other events you used to go to were."

"I don't know how to handle this. I was happy. I had actually found a way to be happy without him and then he just comes back like this and he's saying all of the right things but my mind is telling me that it's too late, and I should run." She paused. "I know he was right to leave, I know that. Neither of us were happy, it wasn't working and I was never going to admit that, but now... I just don't know what to do."

"Why don't you come and visit? Take some time out of the city. No Jamie, no stress. Just time to yourself."

"Sounds great." Cathy sighed. "But I can't, I can't leave a job I only just got."

"Maybe I could come to you for a weekend? Girls weekend in the city."

"I'd love that."

"Hopefully I'll see your asshole husband so I can tell him I got in your bed before he got back in it."

She laughed, and it had been so long since she genuinely had that the sound was alien to her."I should probably get to bed, tomorrow's opening night. I'll call you after? So we can figure out what weekend to make this happen?"

"Sure."

She hung up the phone and glanced around the empty apartment. He'd dropped her off a little under an hour ago, and it had been clear to her that he had wanted to come in (He hadn't invited himself to move back in as he had claimed he was, she'd found out that after filling Michael in on their conversation, he had been told that trying to force himself back into her life was definitely not his best option). She hadn't invited him, and he hadn't asked. She hadn't even wanted him to drive her home, but giving him that had seemed like the least she could do. She'd been the centre of his world in the car, and it had only added to her confusion.

It scared her that one moment he could be distant, barely acknowledging her, and the next it was like she was the only person in the world. It had never been like this before they had married. There had never been distance, he'd always made her feel like his world would crumble if he didn't have her. She'd long given up on blaming marriage for the breakdown of their relationship. It was all on them. Wrong decisions. Selfish desires. Different paths and little compromise. They both could have done better. She knew that. But if they were right for each other, why hadn't they? Had they even tried? She liked to think that _she_ had, but she couldn't answer for him. Maybe that was a part of the problem.

She moved slowly as she heard someone at the door, frowning when she looked out of the window to see no one waiting outside, and cautiously moving to go and check. She almost smiled as she opened the door to the building, seeing the bouquet placed on the doorstep.

 _Thanks for tonight, J._

 ** _All I know is that you drove us_ **

**_Off the road_ **

She'd exited the stage with a grin on her face, still listening to the applause of the audience as the curtain came down. They'd all been expecting there to be a number of small opening night issues, so were all elated that there had been none, and that the show had been as successful as they could have hoped.

"You were great out there."

She smiled at the compliment as she headed further backstage with her co-stars, planning to change quickly and get home. They'd celebrate later in the week, when they didn't have a show the next day.

She'd seen him in the audience, and despite his persistence it had surprised her. He'd seemed to actively go out of his way to avoid coming to her shows before, and this time he had come without so much as an invitation. She hadn't even told him when the show opened, although she had assumed he knew following his appearance at one of their rehearsals.

"Think we can pull that off again tomorrow?"

She turned to her co-star, nodding as she took him in. She and Jack had become fast friends since meeting, and it had been nice to have someone who knew nothing of the stuff she was struggling through. Someone who she could talk to without them seeing the damage underneath. Someone she could have a laugh with.

"What?" He joked. "Can't speak unless it's scripted?"

She laughed. "No. Just trying to figure out how many shows we have left until we lose this and have to go and find other jobs."

"Live in the moment, Cath." He advised, beginning to almost dance around her as they walked. "You've got me for months yet."

"You got me." She laughed. "It was all about you. How will I ever cope without seeing you every day?"

"You'll manage." He sighed dramatically. "And I'll be front and centre at all of your future opening nights."

"What if I don't invite you?"

"I'll reserve in advance." He claimed. "And of course I'd be so hurt by it that I would then spend the entirety of the show trying to put you off."

"I guess I should just invite you, then."

"You'd better."

Their playful chatter was interrupted by a familiar voice, and she sighed as she noticed that Jamie had somehow made his way backstage and was watching the exchange as he approached. She could barely hide the sense of dread that filled her when she saw him. The realisation that she could possibly lose the simplicity of her friendship with Jack if he was suddenly confronted with the complication of the husband that had damaged her almost beyond repair.

"You were fantastic."

She smiled in thanks as she grasped Jack's arm and attempted to lead him away.

"What? No hug for your husband?"

She froze, and caught a glimpse of her friend's face as she turned round. Jack didn't seem phased by the title, almost as if he had known, but he had seemed to sense her anxiety and stepped forward himself before she got the chance. "Jack, Jack Berkeley."

She watched as Jamie surveyed the man's hand before taking it, consenting to the handshake before pulling away and turning back to her. "It was a great show."

"I'm surprised you even saw it." She countered. "Don't you have a book to write?"

"I'm never too busy to come and see you."

She almost flinched at his words. It was a lie. He may not have seen it that way considering his new obsession with showing up in almost every aspect of her life, but it was. He was _always_ too busy to see her. She'd asked on many occasions, he'd always had an excuse ready, almost as if he had an entire list planned out just to pick one whenever she called. Even when she had managed to convince him to come and visit her he'd had an excuse to leave promptly. A weak one, but an excuse all the same. The present didn't change the past.

He'd made no effort to spend time with her, and as the years had progressed he'd become less supportive of her, despite his insistence that he believed in her. She'd spent many months before he left feeling abandoned, he may as well have already gone at that point for all the interest he had in her. He didn't make sense, not to her at least. She'd just never seen that as a bad thing before.

"Cath?" She felt Jack's light touch on her arm. "We really need to get ready to go before they want to lock up for the night."

She nodded and made a move to walk away, only for Jamie to stop her with his words. "I'll wait here. Take you for a late dinner."

"Um..." She excused. "Jack and I have plans."

Great. Now she was lying too.

She was sure Jamie hadn't missed the look of confusion her friend had given her when she spoke, but she was grateful that the latter had at least tried to hide it for her. "Um, yeah, I mean, we wanted to celebrate the show."

"He can come too."

And she knew there was no real way out of it.

 ** _Here you are now_ **

**_Calling me up_ **

**_But I don't know what to say_ **

**_I've been picking up pieces of the mess you made_ **

She cried. The first time she had cried in months. She had thought she had finished crying over him so long ago that it was almost a distant memory, but as Carol Ann sat by her, attempting to comfort her as she sobbed, she realised she'd just been holding it in.

"Why is he saying all of this now?" She questioned. "Why didn't he say all of this instead of leaving."

"Guys are idiots." Her friend offered, her hand continuing to gently rub Cathy's shoulder in an attempt to calm her down. "And you don't always have to forgive them for it. Not when they go too far."

"How do I know when he's gone too far."

"You already do know." Carol Ann's answer was somewhat unexpected. "Your boundaries are yours, and you do know if he has crossed the point of no return, even if you're not seeing it clearly right now. Try and clear your head, and it'll come to you."

"And if it doesn't?"

"It will."

A silence fell over the room, only being occasionally broken by the sobs, and the two women stayed huddled together in silence for a moment before Cathy suddenly leaned forward, picking up a tissue from the box that had been placed in front of them earlier and turning back to her friend.

"I love him."

"I know."

"But I don't trust him."

Carol Ann nodded, pulling her friend back into her arms. "Just think about it. Is love a strong enough basis to try and build from? Do you think you could learn to trust him again over time? If not, it's better for you both to let each other go now."

They were interrupted by the ring of a phone, and Carol Ann instinctively answered it (a habit she had picked up in her own home) without checking who was calling.

"Hey."

"You're not Cathy?"

Cathy could hear the conversation clearly, her head resting on her friend's shoulder, and the voice threatened to make her lose control of the tears she was trying to hold in.

"No."

"Is she there?"

"No."

"Where is she?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"I have to talk to her about something."

"Or you could talk to me. And I'll pass on the message." Carol Ann stood up, frowning slightly as Cathy's only response was to allow herself to fall onto the couch where she had been sitting, gazing up at her as if to plead with her to not make her speak to him. She placed a hand over the receiver and questioned "Are you sure?"

"I don't know what to say to him."

Carol Ann nodded, moving the phone back to her ear. "She's in the shower, can you not let her have that?"

Cathy watched her expressions as the conversation continued, and she eventually hung up the phone, amusement tugging at her lips. "Your husband wants to know if you are willing to consider marriage counselling."

"I don't..." Cathy began. "I don't know how to answer that..."

"You know, I tried it once, it really helped."

"Since when was your marriage anything other than perfect?"

"A couple of years ago, all we did was fight, we figured it was worth a shot." A shrug. "You know, it's not just about saving a marriage. That's the aim, but it really gives you a lot of insight into whether or not it's worth saving. It could help you realise how you feel about whether or not he's gone too far, even if nothing else." She paused. "And it would probably look good if you do end up divorcing, that you were willing to try and work it out. Ask your lawyer?"

Cathy nodded. "Why did it seem to amuse you that he asked?"

"I just never imagined _you_ in marriage counselling."

"I don't know that I'll go."

"Why not?"

"The way he's being now, that's hard enough, I don't think I can discuss the past, not yet. I'm still trying to accept the fact that he completely tore my life apart and waited until I put myself back together before he changed his mind. I can't relive it all right now."

 ** _People like you always want back_ **

**_The love they pushed aside_ **

**_But people like me are gone forever_ **

**_When you say goodbye_**

"Cath, wait up!" She stalled, holding the door open as Jack ran up behind her, darting inside the door before she let it close. "I've been meaning to talk to you."

"I'm sorry, I really don't want to go skydiving with you."

He rolled his eyes playfully. "Yeah right." The way he was watching her was making her nervous. "Cath, be careful."

"What?"

"The stuff with your husband."

She nodded. She'd filled him in on everything following the awkward dinner, knowing that he deserved some form of explanation for that situation. "What about it?"

"I know that it's none of my business, and he could be completely genuine in this trying to fix your relationship thing, but my cousin works in that business, and according to him, divorce really isn't great for sales unless that's what the book is about." He hesitated as they began to move down the corridor. "I don't know if that's what's going on with your husband I just... I don't want you to get hurt."

"I got hurt a long time ago." She shrugged. "I doubt anything he does now will be any worse than what he's already done."

"You're really not taking any nonsense when it comes to him."

"I made that mistake before." She smiled. "You don't need to worry, I'm going into this with my eyes open. I don't know how things will turn out, but whatever happens, it's on my terms this time."

"After the way he treated you, it should be."

"He wasn't all bad." She sighed. "Sometimes he was really great. He's just carried away right now, so I have to be the one to remember that he left for a reason and that that reason is not only still an issue, but is made up by many smaller issues." She paused. "Thanks for caring, though."

"I'm good at the caring thing." He shrugged. "So, how did you spend your morning off?"

A sigh. "Marriage counselling."

"Funny." He laughed. "That's a good one."

"I actually wish I was kidding." She frowned. "Not that it's a bad idea in itself it's just not something I ever thought I'd be doing."

"Is it working?"

"Pretty much the only thing that Jamie and I have verbally agreed on is that he messed up when he left, and I'm not even sure I even agree with that any more. I kind of found my world again when he left, reclaimed my own life instead of living in his."

"That's good." A grin. "I guess what you really need to figure out is whether or not you can keep this life of yours and your marriage, or if you would have to give it up for your marriage."

"That's the thing." She elaborated. "I'm not willing to do that. I can't go back to being the person that I was back then. I want to be happy and that life didn't make me happy. I hate how dependent I was on him. Leaving was the best thing he could have done for me because it gave me the metaphorical kick that I needed."

"These are the sort of things you should be telling him, you know."

"It's hard to." She sighed as they came to a stop at the stage door. "I'm not sure I can ever go back to being his wife again and I think I've left it way too long to tell him that."

"Quite a predicament." The man was clearly amused, and she reached out to playfully slap his arm. "That's abuse!"

"So sue me." She laughed, opening the stage door to see if any of the other cast and crew members had arrived. She smiled at the few that were there, running lines and checking the placement of props. "This isn't funny."

"It is." He claimed. "I feel like I should be the one getting paid for the marriage counselling."

 **-AYHTDWS-**

She couldn't read his expression, not like she used to be able to, and it worried her. He was watching her intently, his gaze firm, but with no distinguishable emotion. Squirming under his scrutiny, she turned away, unnecessarily beginning to go through her bag to make sure she had everything she'd need when she left the apartment for the theatre the next day.

Without being able to see him, she became even more aware that she couldn't hear him either, not even the familiar sound of his breathing, but as she turned back to him slightly, she was once again met with his unwavering gaze.

"I'm going to need at least some form of acknowledgement." She eventually spoke up, allowing herself to fully focus on him. "Just some sign that you heard me."

After a few moments he stood up, taking a few steps towards her but stopping just short of reaching her. "I thought we were doing well, that the counselling was working?"

"We are doing well, but just because something is working, doesn't mean we should be letting it."

"That doesn't even make sense." He frowned. "Are you still scared? Michael said you'd be scared of letting me get too close for a while."

"Well, yeah." She admitted. "But that's not really the problem, but at the same time it is." His expression prompted her to continue. "I am terrified of letting you in again, but since you left, I started doing things anyway, no matter how much they scare me. I didn't have that when we were together and I need it now, I'm just not sure I can risk losing it."

"So you just expect me to give up?"

"I don't expect you to do anything, you're your own person." She insisted. "I'm just telling you how I feel, like the counsellor said I should."

"That advice was meant to bring us closer, not be a means of tearing us apart." He paused. "Is there someone else?"

"Not really."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's about me. And I kind of am someone else. I'm not the person I used to be."

"That doesn't bother me." He assured her. "I like the new you."

"But you loved the old me once. And I need to be the person I'm becoming now, not the person I was. I need to figure out how to be me before I can figure out how to be an us with anyone."

"So that's it?"

"I'm not saying never, Jamie, I'm just saying not now." She sighed. "We can hold off on the divorce if you really want to, but I just need time to be myself."

"How much time?"

"Maybe forever."

* * *

 **Marked as complete because I fully intend for this to be a one shot, but I do have a habit of updating my one shots, and I already have ideas (although more future one shots than a continuation), so I doubt I'll be able to hold off for long.**


	2. Back Down to Zero

**The plan was to leave this as a oneshot, but as soon as I published it, I was already thinking about updating it. So I'm going with it. The other oneshot ideas I have may still be written, but they'll be another story. I can't promise that there will be another after this, but I also can't say there won't be. It's just a case of, if it happens, it happens.**

 **I do still have reservations about really continuing it as a full story, because I don't really know where I plan on going with it and I kind of like to know the end at the start, but I'm going to see where it takes me.**

* * *

 **-BDTZ-**

 **Sat on a rainy day**

 **Recalling a conversation**

 **Didn't I hear you say**

 **Nothing could keep us apart.**

 **Nothing could stop us now.**

Jamie frowned, slumped over his coffee cup at the kitchen counter of an apartment that was not his own. He'd only spent a couple of weeks with Elise after leaving his wife, and it had been all he'd needed to tell him that he'd chosen wrong. He'd left, and had been staying with Michael ever since, promising him that he wouldn't let the arrangement damage the friendship his friend had with Cathy. So he hadn't mentioned it when he'd gone to collect a key from him and seen her, and tried so hard not to let her see the regret in his eyes. Tried to block out the pain in her own.

Elise had become difficult to work with after he'd changed his mind, and the final straw had come when she had turned on him in a book store one day. They'd been there on business, discussing the details of his latest marketing campaign, and her temper had flared up out of no where, surprising him – he hadn't known she had such a temper before. He'd requested a change after that, claiming he wanted to take his career in a new direction. She'd been hostile towards him ever since.

He sighed, picking up the mug and pouring the last of the warm liquid down the sink before returning to the counter and returning to his prior position, meeting the eyes of his friend, who was attempting to make him feel better, but falling short. Both due to his inability to reject the funny side of the situation, and the huge issue he had of not being _her_.

"What did you expect?" Michael was somewhat amused by his friend's predicament. "That she'd just fall back into your arms?"

"I had hoped." Jamie sighed, dropping his head into his hands. "She promised forever, you know. She always used to say that nothing would separate us."

"You promised that too." Michael shrugged. "You still went back on it."

"She was always..."

"Way more into your relationship than you were? Yeah, she was."

"I was going to say more persistent. More devoted."

"And now she's an actual human being with actual emotions that doesn't trust you. You took yourself out of her life. Six months is a long time." He shrugged. "Probably doesn't help that it took you so long to sort your shit out and go back..."

"It didn't." Jamie interrupted. "I called her, I tried to go and see her, she wouldn't talk to me. I had to file for divorce to see my own damn wife."

"That probably didn't help." Michael couldn't help but laugh. "Who the hell tries to fix their marriage by filing for divorce?"

"I had to see her, that was the only option I had."

"You could have asked me to talk to her. Or sent her an email. Or left a message when she didn't take your calls. You fucked yourself over with the divorce thing."

"It made sense at the time." He excused. "Like leaving did."

"Then what changed?"

"She was gone." The statement carried enough weight, he decided, but he continued anyway. "I thought it was the best thing for both of us, that my leaving her would save her, but not having her, it, it feels like I can't breathe. I didn't realise how much I need her."

"That's selfish, man. You can't just change your mind because you decided that the separation isn't working for you. You can say you left for her all you like, but if you tell her that, you're telling her you're coming back for _you._ Think about her in this. What's in it for her?"

"I want to be able to take care of her again. I don't want her to ever feel alone or unloved. I want to make her happy."

"Then that's what you need to tell her. She needs to feel safe. Telling her you love her isn't enough right now."

Jamie considered commenting on his friend's unusual understanding of women, but instead decided to admit what he figured he would probably be lectured for. "I haven't told her I love her yet."

Michael stared at him for a moment, almost puzzled. "If you can't even tell her that, I'm not surprised she hasn't given you much of a chance."

"She's upset, I don't want to scare her off."

"Are we talking about the same Cathy? She's never been afraid of being loved."

"Things are different now. She's barely talking to me as it is, I don't want to confuse the situation..."

"For yourself?" Michael queried. "Because you not telling her you love her but being the way you are with her right now has probably already got her confused. No wonder she's pushing you away."

"She says she needs some space to be herself."

"Maybe she does." It was reasonable. "She's changed. For the better. And you're not going to convince her that you can be a part of her life by making assumptions about how she'll feel about things. Keeping her in limbo like this is just going to make things worse for you, man."

"I'm not sure it would even make a difference. She seemed pretty certain that she can't give us another chance."

"Didn't she say yet?" Michael brought up. "And if she's certain, why is she still bothering with the counselling? You said she had agreed to keep it up."

"I told her I had already paid for multiple sessions and it was non-refundable."

"So you lied to her?"

"I didn't know what else to do. I was losing her!"

"You already lost her."

 **Why do you put on me?**

 **Seems your good intentions**

 **Are blowing in the breeze.**

 **Each time we're close to the top**

 **We hit rock.**

The room was silent, and he hated it. He hated being in a room with her but not being able to be her husband. He hated that despite his best efforts, she hadn't been as responsive to the counselling as he had hoped she would be. She was there, but it was almost like she wasn't. This wasn't the first time they had spoken to someone about their issues, before everything happened, a friend of theirs had given them a taste of marriage counselling for free. It was the first time he had been the one pushing for it, though, and now he understood how she had felt when he had acted like the help their friend had offered them had been a chore.

He watched her as she sat as far from him as she could, gazing out of the window. She hadn't said a word to him since she'd arrived. No verbal acknowledgement, not even a smile or a nod. He was hoping that her continually showing up as she had promised she would was a good sign, but he was trying not to read into it, just in case it was just about the money she thought he had already spent. He didn't want to assume that she had deeper reasoning for continuing. Michael was right, he shouldn't assume he knows what's going on in her head. He was about to risk reaching for her hand when the door opened, and the familiar figure breezed in.

"Sorry I'm a little late. Paperwork problem." She sat across from them, looking between them as she spoke. "How have things been between you over the past week?"

"Fine."

It was Cathy that had spoken, and he'd turned to her to see her gaze was now fixed on the wall behind the counsellors head.

"Jamie?"

He turned back. "Actually, we haven't seen much of each other." He felt her shift uncomfortably. "Her show has really taken off, I've been out promoting the book..."

"Something we need to work on then." The older woman smiled. "Communication is key. Your marriage comes before your jobs."

"We were texting."

" _You_ were texting."

He sighed at Cathy's mumbled comment. He had decided to leave out the small fact that she hadn't exactly been responding to his messages. He didn't want her to feel guilty for shutting him out.

"So his texts gained a lack of response from you?"

Cathy shrugged. "I was busy."

"I'd like to take you back to what we discussed when I first saw you." Within moments two sheets of paper were placed on the table in front of them. During their first meeting they had been asked to write down everything they considered an issue. Seeing them in black and white apparently made them easier to address. "Number 23. Being too busy to text or call back."

"That was about him, not me."

"It's best that we don't apply issues to you individually when solving them is a collective effort. We need our focus to be on improving communication and not assigning blame. Blame is worthless. It's an excuse we use to avoid conflict resolution."

"What if there's too much conflict to resolve?"

"Do you feel that there is?"

"Maybe." Cathy shrugged. "I'm clearly not enough for him."

"That's not true." Jamie interrupted. She didn't turn to him, but he had silenced her. "I made a mistake. People make mistakes. It wasn't you that was the problem."

"Do you think the affairs are something it's going to take you a while to overcome?"

"If ever." Cathy admitted. "How can I move on from something that is always going to be right there?"

"How so?"

"He works with the woman he left me for. I thought she was my friend."

"I don't work with her any more." He sighed, realising he should have filled her in on that much sooner. "I mean, I do, but I won't after this book."

She finally turned to him, but he couldn't read her expression. "When did that happen?"

"A couple of months ago."

She turned away again. "It doesn't matter. Her absence doesn't automatically fix everything."

"Which is why we're here." The counsellor interrupted. "To find ways to address our issues and repair the fractures."

"I don't even know why we're bothering."

"A marriage can only be saved if both parties are willing to put in the time and the effort."

"We are." Jamie insisted, suddenly even more aware of the distance between them. "We are."

"I'm only here for him." Cathy admitted. "Because it's what he wants and... I want him to be happy."

"Do you not want to be happy yourself?"

"I am happy." The response was sharp. "Happier than I've been in years"

He had to admit, that stung. "There was a time when you were happy with me."

"I'm not sure we can get back there." She sighed. "And I don't want to go backwards."

"You don't want to be here?" He frowned. "You don't think we can work through this?"

"I don't know. I'm here for you, because it's what you want, but I don't know if I can do this. I want you to be happy, but I don't want to make you happy if it means I can't be, and we don't make each other happy any more."

"So you're torn." The counsellor put in. "You want a situation where both of you are happy, but you're not sure that that can be a reality if you stay together?"

Cathy shrugged. "Kinda. It's hard to be positive when you know what could go wrong."

"Then maybe it's time to put some focus into what could go right." She gave them both a warm smile, but Jamie stayed silent as she once again focused on his wife. "You say you agreed to this because you want your husband to be happy. Does your concern for his happiness not tell you that there's something worth saving here?"

"I don't know..."

"You care for him. Despite the issues between you, you're fighting for his happiness just by being here. You've acknowledged that you make him happy."

"That's what he says."

"You do. I lost sight of that." He smiled softly when she let herself look at him.

"I haven't made you happy in a long time."

"You weren't the reason I was unhappy, that was me. I was making bad choices. I left when I realised how badly they were affecting you. I thought it was the right thing to do." He paused, questioning whether or not this is something they should even be talking about here – they hadn't been directed to talk about this, but he decided this could be considered a trigger subject, something that was likely to result in a fight, and they had been asked to avoid those subjects outside of that room for the time being. "I guess I realised a little too late that the right thing to do was to stop making bad decisions."

"It was the right thing to do." She sighed. "I needed to change. Not for you, for me."

"You have both just taken a very important step." They both turned simultaneously. "Acknowledging how your personal flaws affect your marriage is a positive sign. If you focus on what you can do differently in a given situation, conflict can be limited. So, the next time the two of you feel that you are about to have a disagreement, I want you to, instead of getting caught up in the anger, think 'What could I do differently?'"

He nodded, glancing warily at his wife. She had turned away from him. She was still reluctant, and he now knew it was good intentions that were leading to her presence every week. He could take her being unsure for now. Sure, it hurt him to know she wasn't as invested as he was, that she was there more out a sense of obligation than a desire to fix their relationship, but he'd take it. He'd let her good intentions hurt him in the hope that she would eventually allow him back in. He could deal with the pain, it was the least he deserved.

 **No place you'd rather be**

 **Is all you can say as you**

 **Open the door to leave.**

 **Me one more time wondering why**

 **On one more lonely night.**

They had made progress. He could feel it. He still wasn't sure what was going on in her head, but she hadn't rushed off as soon as their appointment had concluded like she had every one previous. She had walked out with him, allowed him to make small talk. Although he wasn't sure if she was finally joining him in the fight for their marriage or if she was continuing to be a spectator watching as it crumbled, he felt that the slight progress was worth the uncertainty. It was a good sign. A sign that slowly, this was working.

He'd offered to walk her home, but she was heading straight to the theatre, and she'd reasoned that it made no sense for him to walk her there if he wasn't heading that way. She'd manage, and she'd let him know when she got there. He knew she didn't have to, but it was nice to know that she would. Things were different now. They'd communicate. They'd get it right this time.

He was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of his phone, and he glanced at the number before answering. "Carol Ann?"

"Are you for real? You left because it was the best thing for her?"

"I thought it was."

"You don't decide what's best for her. And you definitely don't make that decision by leaving her some shitty note."

"I couldn't face her."

"Coward."

"I would never have been able to leave if she was there, and I felt like I needed to." He tried. "There is no where else I wanted to be, even then, but I thought it was better for both of us that I was gone, and if I had been able to see her, I wouldn't have been able to go."

"You think that makes it about her, but all I'm hearing is that you decided it was too hard for you to do the right thing in a decent manner."

"How are we having this conversation?" A sigh. "How do you always know everything?"

"I'm her best friend, she tells me everything."

"Of course."

"Against my better judgement, she seems to be softening towards you. She doesn't know that herself yet, though, she thinks she's still just humouring you, so don't get too cocky."

"Okay."

"If you break her again, she won't be the only one broken."

"Did you just threaten me?"

"You can see it as whatever you want to see it as."

"I think I would benefit from seeing it as a threat?"

"I see it as a promise." She mused. "And if you try and talk her round with 'I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay but I couldn't' it may become a reality."

"That's the truth."

"If you had really wanted to stay, you would have." Carol Ann insisted. "And she wouldn't have spent weeks questioning and second guessing everything she did, wondering if that was what made you leave."

 **Maybe I put on you**

 **Seems my good intentions**

 **I just can't see them through**

 **Each time we climb to the top**

 **Then we drop**

The phone call had come late, and the instruction had been unclear, but after everything Michael had done for him recently, Jamie felt that he owed it to him to act on his request. So he was walking down the darkened street slowly, the light streaming out from the still open businesses and the occasional street light. It was relatively busy, but he was managing to keep to himself pretty easily as he made his way towards the location his friend had called him to.

The bar was half way down the street. A regular hang out of Michael's, but not somewhere that he himself had been to all that often. His pace quickened as he approached, and eventually he spotted Michael standing just outside the doorway. He paused mid-wave as he saw the woman tucked under his friend's arm.

"Jamie!" She called excitedly when she saw him, trying to take a step towards him but stumbling at the loss of Michael's support. She turned to him. "Jamie's here!"

Michael nodded to her. "You're okay with Jamie being here?"

Both men watched as her brow furrowed, before she nodded 'yes' as she verbalised "No."

"Okay." Michael chuckled, looking over at Jamie. "She's okay with it."

"Why did you call me?" He questioned his friend as he reached them, surveying the woman next to him carefully. "How much has she had to drink?"

"Too much." Michael smirked. "You told me you wanted to be able to take care of her. Go ahead."

Jamie quickly held out his arms as Michael gently pushed Cathy to him. Her hands immediately flew to his chest, attempting sloppily to push him away from her, turning back to their friend. "I want more drink."

"I think you've had enough." Michael smiled. "It's time for you to go home."

"Okay." They were both surprised by how quickly she agreed, but frowned when she reached into her bag before staring up at Michael in confusion. "I can't find my car keys."

"You don't have a car."

It took her a moment, but she eventually nodded. "Okay, you can drive."

He laughed slightly. "My date is still inside, babe. Jamie's going to take you home."

She scowled, shaking her head. "Not going with him."

Jamie sighed, pulling her closer to him with ease, knowing she wasn't really sober enough to object – another reason he wouldn't leave her there even if she did want him to, anything could happen to her. Her head fell onto his shoulder and he kissed her forehead lightly. Not missing the muffled "Don't do that." she mumbled against him.

"What happened?"

"She was here when I got here, on her own, pretty much already in this state."

"Jack hadda go home."

"Yeah, apparently there was some guy called Jack?"

"Someone she works with." He glanced down her her. "Why did Jack have to go home?" He knew he had to be careful. Her mood changed quickly when she was drunk, she could go to talking to him like this to yelling at him in seconds.

"His wife got hurt." Wife? He felt himself release a breath he hadn't even known he had been holding. "I like her."

"So you've met Jack's wife?"

She nodded against his shoulder. "Perfect wife and perfect house and perfect life. I hate him."

"No you don't." He felt himself frown at the possibility that she had done this to herself after being confronted with what she seemed to believe was the perfect marriage, and nodded to their friend. "Go back to your date, I got her."

"No you left."

"I'm here now." He nodded to Michael in reassurance. "She'll be fine."

Turning, he began to walk back up the street, the added weight in his arms slowing him down slightly, but in a way that comforted him. He just wished she hadn't had to be so drunk to allow him in.

 **-BDTZ-**

It hadn't taken him long to find her key in her bag, and within minutes of arriving at their apartment (which he had yet to admit to himself was no longer his home) he had put her in bed, and had found himself standing awkwardly across the room, watching her sleep. He knew she'd regret drinking in the morning, and he was reluctant to leave her considering. He just hoped she wouldn't be too angered by his presence if she woke up and found him watching her.

It wasn't as if he was crossing too many boundaries. He was keeping his distance. Giving her space without leaving her to the suffering she would wake up to. He understood the opportunity that Michael had given him, and although he doubted she'd be responsive to his care when she was sober, he had decided not to pass it up.

She began to stir some time later, and he hesitated in moving towards her, unsure how to respond, but he followed her as she darted out of bed, held her hair back as she threw up, and was there to take her back to bed when she had cleaned herself up, still not fully aware of her own surroundings as she was once again curled up under the covers.

"Jamie?" He'd made a move to leave the room when she addressed him, having decided to spend what was left of the night waiting anxiously on the couch. He turned back, smiling softly as he met her tired gaze. "Are you going to leave me again?"

"No." He took a step back towards her. "I promise, okay. Never again."

"Okay."

"You know I love you, right?"

"Okay."

He moved to the bed, sitting by her feet. "I'll stay right here, okay?"

"Okay."

He knew she most likely wouldn't remember this in the morning, and that his presence there when she woke up would likely not be rewarded, but he'd found himself not caring. She had agreed to his staying with her, and he could only hope that the agreement she had given while intoxicated was a sign of what she really wanted.

 **-BDTZ-**

He'd left in the early hours, placing a glass of water and some aspirin by the bed before he left, a note on the other pillow. _His_ pillow. She hadn't woken, but the silence and the familiar surroundings had given him time to think, and after his own insecurities had made him doubt his presence, he'd realised that being there without really having her consent risked making things worse between them. Now he wasn't so sure.

It was noon, and in his note he'd asked that she let him know when she woke up, but he was yet to receive any messages from her. At first he'd told himself that she'd slept in, but as time dragged on, that possibility got less and less likely. Either she hadn't got his message, or she was intentionally ignoring it.

He moved back to the kitchen island that he was currently using as a makeshift desk, looking over the notes he had made for his next book. He still loved the concept, but he knew he wasn't in the right head space to write it yet. He was tense and exhausted, and he just wanted normal back.

He almost jumped when the door opened, and he looked up to meet Michael's darkened eyes.

"A note?!" The man scoffed. "You left her a note?"

"I didn't think she'd want me to be there when she woke up." Jamie was confused. He'd hated leaving her, but it had been the best thing to do in the circumstances.

"The last time you left her a note you didn't go back." Michael reminded him. "I had to go and calm her down."

"I didn't think." He sighed. "She took it badly?"

"It upset her, but she was more angry than anything. She said you're an insensitive bastard. I know there was no way of knowing, but you need to be more careful, man. Reminding her of that day is not going to help your case." His friend sat down opposite him. "Why didn't you stay with her?"

"I didn't think she'd want me to." Jamie repeated. "Things aren't exactly great between us, I didn't want her to feel like I'm pushing her, so I waited until I was sure she was fine, made sure she had everything she needed and left her a note."

"Notes, man." Michael laughed. "Never been good for your relationship before, not good for it now."

 **And we're in a crazy situation**

 **Caught up in a habit we just got to let go**

 **No more going back**

 **Back down to zero.**

Things were strained again, but she'd accepted his apology, and even admitted that she had overreacted. The counsellor had suggested that maybe she was looking for reasons to shut him out, to give up on their marriage, and it had further highlighted her reluctance. Still, she had dutifully agreed to attend yet another promotion event for his latest book, and he found himself constantly glancing towards her as she found herself in uncomfortable conversation with his parents, who had also decided to make an appearance for the occasion.

He'd only just managed to warn Cathy of their presence, to let her know that he had failed to mention their separation to his parents, at first to avoid the smug satisfaction he knew they would respond with, and then due to their decision to try and overcome their issues. He had hope that if he continued to call it _their_ decision, that she may eventually believe it.

She'd been mentioned by a couple of the reporters he had been interviewed by. The general questions about her had been easy, but he'd been momentarily thrown when one publication had directly referenced their recent issues during one of the longer interviews. He knew they must have been tipped off considering the details they seemed to know, but he couldn't ask for the name of their source without confirming that the information was accurate, and doing that didn't really seem like an appealing option. He'd instead pointed her out to the interviewer, hoping that her presence would put a stop to any speculation.

Most of his evening had been spent talking to people he didn't know. Trying to promote the book, himself, anything that may interest his target demographic. He hated that although he was always being told how important it was for his family to be there, he never really got to spend as much time with them as he would prefer. He had a habit of falling into the interviewer/interviewee dynamic so hard that he had often became oblivious to everyone else, eventually barely even acknowledging the family that were there to support him. He hadn't known it bothered her until she had one day refused to go, and now she was giving him this chance, attending these events again, he was determined to break the habit, even if it was just by catching her eye whenever he could.

Mid-way through his penultimate interview, he looked up at her, frowning when he was met with the sight of only his parents, and giving a quick glance around the room. He stood when he saw her, quickly making his excuses before moving to follow her, catching her moments after she had exited the building.

"Where are you going?" His hand on her arm had stopped her movement, but she hadn't turned to him. "Cathy?"

"I shouldn't be here." She murmured, so quietly that he almost didn't hear her. "Coming here was a mistake."

"I want you here."

"Could have fooled me."

"Cathy," He sighed, reaching out with his free hand to turn her, almost flinching when he saw her expression, saw the tears she was trying to hold in. "What happened?"

"You said things would be different." She stated. "You said you had changed but all of this..." She gestured towards the building. "All of this is exactly the same!"

"I'm trying." He insisted. "Getting over to you is difficult in that crowd."

"I have been stuck there with your parents for two hours!" She pointed out. "Two hours, Jamie. Two hours of listening to your mother go on and on about how much she loves Elise and how it's a shame that you won't be working with her after this book."

A sigh. "I'm sorry. I know she can be difficult..."

"Difficult? She hates me."

"She doesn't hate you." He tried. "And even if she did, it wouldn't matter."

"Of course it matters!"

"I don't care what she thinks." He tried. "I don't care what anyone in there thinks."

"But you should." She demanded. "All of this..." she gestured between them. "All of this is unhealthy. Every time I am with you I feel like the person I used to be, and I meant what I said, Jamie, I can't be that person any more. That's not who I am."

"I don't expect you to be." He sighed. "Look, if you want to leave, we'll leave."

"You're not finished."

"I don't care."

"But..."

"I can reschedule." He paused. "I asked you to come because I wanted to spend time with you, and you're right, this isn't that. This is an old habit that I need to break." He ran his hand down her arm, interlocking their fingers and taking a step away from the building. He grinned, despite the reluctance in her eyes. "Let's go somewhere. Anywhere."


End file.
